See You On The Other Side

Dear readers,

Have you ever felt as if you were running on auto pilot? That's how I feel at this very moment.

Yesterday I got some very very horrid news. I foudn out that one of my best friends, Cori has committed suicide. Apparently last Wensday night she was randomly asking people how to kill yourself without failing. No one would tell her and no one saw it for what it was, a cry for help. I wish with all of my being that she had called me because i would have reported it to someone. Maybe that's why she didn't call me, because she knew that if she had I would have called 911 to get her to the crisis center or something.
My big question is, what made her think she had no way out other than death? I'm trying to make sense of it all and I can't wrap my brain around it. She had so many friends that I thaught cared and her family as well. Well, she had her mother anyway. I know she was in a lot of physical pain as well. She had something I can't spell the name of. It's where all your nerves hurt and it makes it hard to do much of anything. I know that doesn't make me sound very intelligent but there it is and I don't care if I don't sound to smart right now. She was on meds for that and some meds to help her sleep as she couldn't sleep for the pain at times. At times, it was all she could do just to get up in the mornings.
Cori was always so lively and happy. She loved going dancing and to karaoke. There were times I went to sing karaoke with her or just to get a bite to eat. She'd take me to the college with her to hang out with her friends at MSU. And then there were also the times we'd just sit and talk in her car about life and things that we were concerned about. She introduced me to so many new people. Julie and Annie were the coolest people I have met through her. I remember the times when she sang in choir with me and the times we'd skip going to choir because we'd get there and we were late. So instead of dealing with the choir director's wrath, we'd look at each other and say, let's go do something else. Those were the times we'd go over to Perkins and eat dinner.
I just wish I knew things were so bad for her, she was always so good at hiding her feelings. She was always the one to do all the comforting when she had an upset friend. I did my best for her, comforting her when she needed it. Lately though like I said, she hid everything.
I got very angry with her though not long ago. She called me and asked me to go out with her and sing karaoke. I agreed to go but then she didn't show up. This happened more than once and she didn't even call back to say she wasn't able to come. At the time she was dating a guy and she told me that she had to do everything by his schedule. She felt as if she had lost her freedom. She said that if we went out, he'd have to come along because she couldn't do anything without him. She told me she was trying to figure out a way that she could brake it off with him so she could get her life back. I told her I was willing to help if she needed me to. The times she canceled, I called to find out if she was ok and she was apoligetic and asked if we could try again the next weekend. Well here's where it gets bad. The last time she had done that I decided that if she wanted to do something she was going to have to call me and that I wasn't going to call her until she was the one to make the first call. Usually I don't do things like that so I don't know why I did it then but I stuck to it and didn't call her. I missed her terribly and wanted to know how she was so when I did call I got her voice mail and didn't leave her a message. Some friend I am don't you think? I was too damned stubborn to make that first move after she stood me up the last time. When i got the call last night, I was thinking I should give Cori a call. I decided that I was going to leave her a message this time if she didn't answer but of vourse, it was too late. For that, I'll never forgive myself. I hate myself for being so stubborn and not checking up on her sooner. So I guess when I asked the question above as to why she didn't call me last Wensday? Well I think I have my true answer.
I'm still waiting to find out the details of the funeral and stuff like that. Deborah says that if we end up not being able to go to her funeral, we will have a memorial service for her of our own and see who will come to it.
She and I definitely had some fun times and I'm going to miss her deeply. I'll never forget her. She had a wicked sense of humor and I loved the way she used to laugh. Her laugh was infectious and you couldn't help but to laugh with her when she did. She could brighten up a room just by walking into it.

Cori,

I'm not sure why you did what you did but I'm sorry I wasn't there for you as often as I should have been. I hope that you can forgive me for that because as I stated above, I'll not forgive myself.
You were the most wonderful person a person could know and I hope that you find the peace you were seeking in the afterlife that you didn't find here on earth.
I'll miss you and one day when it is my time to go, I'll see you on the other side. Don't think you are getting away with what you did, i plan to kick your arse for it. Sorry, my poor atempt at making a joke. I failed at that epically. Seriously, See you when I get there.
Please say hello to Jim from me if you see him. Please tell him I love him as well.

Love,
Me

Well that's it from here for now. I gotta try and get back to work and dry my tears. This is so hard to do at the moment. At least I told everyone that if I burst into tears randomly throuout the day not to mind me. I told Barb why but haven't had the chance to tell Jason yet. I should probably do that or he might look at me funny. Again, I don't care though if I get looked at like I have lost it. Maybe I have.

The sad Vampiress
Sarcastic Cissy