Life According To Lily

What the hell is she thinking? Why can't she do what she is told? I guess the question would be, why doesn't she want to live?

My aunt Cat called me a little bit ago to invite me to my birth mother's funeral. I was shocked and didn't know what to say. I had assumed that when she asked me that my birth mother had died like last night or something. I asked her what she meant exactly and she said that she was planning my mother's funeral. I wanted to know what happened and she said nothing yet, she said that my mother is killing herself. Apparently My mother is smoking two packs of sigarettes a day again, she's not doing her breathing treatments every four hours like she is supposed to and she doesn't sleep at night with her oxygen like she is supposed to be doing. I really don't understand it. I mean, she almost died like three times now and I don't get why she isn't taking better care of herself. i don't know what to do. Maybe there's nothing I can do accept to watch her kill herself slowly. Well, i won't. I won't watch her end her life because she doesn't want to do what she is supposed to do. I love her but I can't do it. I have already lost too many people i love and cared about. i know it wasn't the same circumstances but still...I can't do it. I have told her that i have lost too many people too and that I didn't want to watch her die too. She promised me that she'd take care of herself and that she wouldnt' smoke ever again. She said she was done with all of it and now what is she doing? She broke a promise! I really shouldn't be surprised that she broke a promise though...when I was younger...never mind i won't rehash all of that again. Maybe I need to go there. If I do though, she wont' like it as she has never been on the end of my firey temper. I just feel so helpless right now. *throws hands up in frustration*

I'm sorry for this entry but I'm feeling like I need to do something and am not sure what. i just hate this feeling of helplessness. I really don't know how I'd handle it if she dies. We faught so hard the first time she almost died to keep her alive. I mean Cat wanted to pull the plug from what i understand. I wonder if me going to visit her will give her a reason to stay alive. I haven't seen her since I was twelve and those circumstances were horrid. Cat says she keeps saying that she wants to see me and maybe it's time I go. I'll have to try and work that out somehow. I can't bare the thaught of yet again losing someone I love because of things beyond my control. Maybe I can't control this either but I got to try something. I'm just so angry and hurt and ugh!

I'm going to take off now...tears...eep...Ihate crying...oy!

<3<3<3hugs to all<3<3<3

The angry and hurting vampiress,
Vamp Cissy